Category Archives: vent

Selfish Ranting

We got pregnant with our oldest about three months after we lost our twin boys at 14 weeks. I spent that entire pregnancy walking on egg shells and making sure I didn’t do anything strenuous for fear of losing another child. During my pregnancy with our youngest, I was still anxious about losing him but I was so busy chasing after a toddler that I didn’t have as much time to stew about things. I was a lot more active during that pregnancy as well for the simple reason that our oldest didn’t like to sit still for more than 2 seconds. I didn’t go out of my way during either of those pregnancies to workout or be excessively active. I took everything in stride and I tried to make mindful food choices (most of the time 😉 ) so that I wouldn’t gain a ton of unnecessary weight. It seemed to work as I was within the area my doctor wanted me to be in for total weight gain and I liked that it was pretty much effortless as I wasn’t doing anything extra to keep my weight gain at bay.

I finally got off my butt when our youngest was just over 13 months old and I caught the running bug shortly thereafter. I worked through the ‘mommy guilt’ and eventually running became a very big part of me and my life. My fitness and making healthier choices was becoming a priority and I started to include the family (especially the kids) as well. With that in mind, I suppose it shouldn’t be a surprise that I was very much hoping for an active pregnancy should we be blessed with another baby. As you know, the blessing came but the active pregnancy part was not meant to be in the beginning. Unfortunately, it seems I keep hitting road blocks in my quest for an active pregnancy. First, three months of bleeding issues, then the OK to walk, then I was finding it hard to get into a routine and hoped having the oldest back in school would help. Thankfully, that seemed to be the magic ticket. The day school started, I got started on my new workout routine that I had penned out for myself. Body by Trimester (BBT) three days a week  and lots of walking. I was hoping to get a recumbent for rainy/busy days but that has yet to happen. I held myself accountable for the BBT workouts with no issues for a couple of weeks then busy days started to get in the way and I had two weeks during which I was only able to do two BBT workouts. Somewhere in there, my right hip started to bother me. I had issues with it during my last pregnancy and, if you remember from past entries, I also had issues with it when I was training for my half marathon. I don’t recall having issues with it before my last pregnancy but I can’t say for sure. All along, I’ve figured it was just the relaxed joints due to pregnancy that caused the issues I had with it, but I now wonder if there’s something more going on only because of all of the issues I had when I was clearly not pregnant. It could just be that I have a weak hip and need to do specific exercises to strengthen it. I really don’t know but I’m hoping physical therapy will be able to help me. The hip pain has become excessive and is preventing me from doing anything out of my daily routine. Sometimes even normal tasks are a nuisance as I hobble along in pain. I’ve managed a few family walks but my hip is usually screaming at me during those short 1 milers. I really can’t describe the pain. At times, it’s almost like things aren’t lining up properly and I need to move a certain way to fix it but I can never find that sweet spot. Walking on most days is torture so I haven’t even played with the idea of running.

With our history, I can’t help but feel so extremely selfish and petty for whining about not being able to workout during my pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful that we have been blessed with another little being and I still worry something may go wrong (what Mom doesn’t?) but this is not how I saw my pregnancy going. Once again, I’m reminded of the fact that pregnancy is very unpredictable. I have been coming to terms with things as far as not being able to do what I wanted so far throughout this pregnancy, however, I was hit with a scary dose of reality at my last OB appointment on Tuesday. I am 21 weeks pregnant and I’ve gained 21 pounds already. My eyes literally bugged out of my head when I saw the number on the scale. Being in recovery from an eating disorder makes gaining weight during pregnancy harder than it is on most people and the fact that I started out this pregnancy 5 lbs heavier than my last two (don’t ask me how that’s possible with all the running/working out I was doing… muscle weighs more than fat is my excuse! lol) is leaving me in a bad place in my head. I guess a big part of me fears I won’t be able to get back into shape post baby. I know that’s not the truth as many others have successfully lost all of their baby weight, and more, in the past and continue to do so. Our days are pretty busy as it is, I can’t imagine how exhausted I’m going to be when the third one arrives. I want to and will make my health & fitness a priority but I fear how long it’ll actually take to get there. Reading blogs about pregnant runners or those who had worked out in other ways throughout their pregnancy has also left me a little discouraged because of how quickly they seem to bounce back and get back into their preferred activity. I suppose that should leave me feeling encouraged because they’ve managed to juggle being active with being new moms. We moms always seem to find ways to do what we have to do but I’m starting to doubt I’ll have what it takes to get through the struggle of finding a balance for everything and still making time for myself.

Sorry if this is hard to follow; my mind is a little crowded and overwhelmed at the moment. I hope those of you with more than 2 kids (there are some of you out there, right?) understand my mental conflict and that there’s hope for me.  It’s all going to be a huge learning experience with a ton of trial & error, I’m sure. I know I’ve lost A LOT of my fitness, perhaps all of it, so I’ll probably be starting over when the time comes. I can’t help but wonder if all of those months of running & working out were a waste of my time. I could have spent that time being pregnant, having #3, and getting into running now instead. I know and I try to embrace the fact that everything happens for a reason but I often wonder why things happened the way they do. Had I not started running when I did, I know I wouldn’t have met a ton of awesome people in the running community. I’m sure this blog wouldn’t exist, I wouldn’t know that my body is capable of pounding out 13.1 miles in grueling weather, and I wouldn’t have grown as a person had I not had all of those solo miles to find myself. Blessing in disguise once I think about it. *light bulb!* <– those of you who have seen Despicable Me may understand that a little better than others 😉 Hitting road block after road block in my trek toward an active pregnancy must also have its blessings, though I have yet to discover what they may be…